Iron Sharpeneth Iron

After the Israelites left Egypt and crossed the Red Sea, Moses ran into a problem. Hundreds of thousands of people now looked to him for answers, and every dispute among them came to him. He sat down and judged their cases himself. The Bible says the people stood around Moses "from the morning unto the evening."

Then his father-in-law came to visit. Jethro was a priest of Midian, an outsider who had taken Moses in years earlier when Moses fled Egypt. He watched Moses work that day, and he asked a simple question: "Why sittest thou thyself alone, and all the people stand by thee from morning unto even?"

Moses explained that the people came to him to learn what God wanted and to settle their disputes. Jethro answered:

Then he gave Moses a plan. Moses should teach the people God's laws himself, and choose capable, trustworthy men to judge the everyday cases, with leaders over thousands, hundreds, fifties, and tens. Only the hardest cases would come to Moses. And Jethro added that Moses should only do it if God agreed.

The Bible says, "So Moses hearkened to the voice of his father in law, and did all that he had said." The man who had faced Pharaoh and led a nation out of slavery took his father-in-law's advice.

Most of us have a version of Moses' problem. We're doing something the hard way and can't see it, because we're too close to it. Maybe you're carrying everything at work alone.

Maybe there's a habit hurting your relationships, a mistake in your business, or a blind spot everyone around you can see but you can't. And many people don't have anyone who will watch how they work and say, plainly and with care, "What you're doing is not good. Here's a better way."

That's what Proverbs 27:17 is about. This article looks at what it means for one person to sharpen another, why sharpening involves friction, what research shows about how the people around us shape who we become, and how to find, and be, the kind of friend who makes others better.

In the ancient world, a dull iron blade could be sharpened by rubbing it against another piece of iron. The two pieces had to touch, and there had to be pressure and friction between them.

The word translated "countenance" in the KJV comes from the Hebrew word for "face." So the verse is saying that one person sharpens another person's face, a word that in Hebrew is also used for a person's presence: who they are and how they come across to others.

Two details are worth noticing. First, iron sharpens iron. It's the same material on both sides, which suggests people who are close enough to each other to rub off on each other, and who sharpen in both directions. Second, sharpening a blade isn't gentle. It takes pressure, and some of the metal comes off in the process. That's true of people too.

A friend who only ever agrees with you can't sharpen you. A few verses earlier in the same chapter, Proverbs says it directly:

A friend who tells you a hard truth may hurt you for a moment, but they're being faithful to you. Someone who only flatters you may feel better to be around, but they aren't helping you.

One of the clearest examples in the Bible is the prophet Nathan and King David. After David took Bathsheba, another man's wife, and arranged for her husband, Uriah, to be killed in battle, Nathan came to him with a story.

A rich man with huge flocks and herds had a guest to feed, and instead of taking from his own animals, he took the one little lamb a poor man had raised like a daughter. David was furious and said the rich man deserved to die. Nathan answered him with four words: "Thou art the man."

David's answer was short too: "I have sinned against the LORD."2 The Bible says God sent Nathan to David, and Nathan told the truth in a way that helped David see it for himself.

Sometimes the friction is a disagreement between two good people. Paul and Barnabas had traveled together, preaching and starting churches. Before a second trip, Barnabas wanted to bring his cousin John Mark. Paul refused, because Mark had left them partway through their first journey.

The Bible says "the contention was so sharp between them, that they departed asunder one from the other." Barnabas took Mark and sailed to Cyprus, and Paul took a man named Silas and went through Syria and Cilicia.

Years later, near the end of his life, Paul wrote to Timothy: "Take Mark, and bring him with thee: for he is profitable to me for the ministry." Mark had become someone Paul wanted with him. The disagreement had been sharp, but it didn't have to be permanent.

You don't have to be religious to see this verse at work. The people you spend the most time with shape your habits, your standards, and what feels normal to you.

Researchers have a hard time proving this, because people usually choose friends who are already like them. So when friends end up alike, it's hard to tell whether they changed each other or just found each other. A few studies have gotten around this by looking at people who were assigned to their groups at random.

One of the clearest comes from the U.S. Air Force Academy, where incoming cadets are randomly assigned to squadrons of about 30 people they live and train with. In a 2011 study of 3,487 cadets, the economists Scott Carrell, Mark Hoekstra, and James West compared each cadet's fitness in college with the high school fitness of the people in their squadron. Cadets placed with less-fit peers did worse on their own fitness tests and were more likely to fail the academy's fitness standards.

The effect came mainly from the least fit cadets in the group, and the researchers found it was roughly half as large as the effect of a cadet's own fitness before arriving. Because the groups were random, the cadets hadn't chosen these peers. The people around them changed them.

Other studies of randomly assigned groups, like college roommates, have found similar effects on things like grades, though they're often smaller. The lesson matches what Proverbs says:

Paul, quoting a saying already known in his day, put the warning side of it plainly: "Be not deceived: evil communications corrupt good manners." In the language of the verse, iron can dull iron too.

If the people you spend the most time with have stopped trying to grow, you'll likely slow down with them. If they're working hard, telling the truth, and getting better, you'll likely get better too.

When Jethro told Moses to choose people to share his work, he described exactly who to look for: "able men, such as fear God, men of truth, hating covetousness."

People who were capable, who answered to something higher than themselves, who told the truth, and who couldn't be bought. That's a good description of iron in any area of life.

The people who sharpen you usually have a few things in common:

• They can see what you can't. Jethro could see from the outside what Moses couldn't see from the inside. Often that's someone further along in something you're trying to grow in.
• They tell you the truth. Notice whether they ever disagree with you, point out a mistake, or ask a question that makes you think. If they only ever praise you, they can't sharpen you.
• They want good things for you. Jethro spoke up because he could see Moses wearing himself out. Criticism from someone who wants you to fail isn't sharpening, even if it's true. Look for people whose hard words come with obvious care.
• They're growing themselves. Iron sharpens iron. People who are working on their own lives can pull the people around them forward.

You often find these people where growth is already happening: a church, a team, a class, a club, a mentor at work, a group of people working toward the same goal. Then you have to do something many people skip.

You have to let them get close enough to see how you actually live and work, the way Jethro watched Moses at work.

Many people see a friend making a mistake and say nothing, because they don't want to cause trouble. Jethro shows how to do it well.

He watched first. He watched how Moses actually worked before he said anything.

He asked before he told. When he raised it, he started with a question: "Why sittest thou thyself alone?" That gave Moses the chance to explain himself.

He said it plainly. "The thing that thou doest is not good." He didn't hint or bury the point.

He explained why. "Thou wilt surely wear away." He made it about what would happen to Moses and the people.

He offered a better way. Along with the problem, he gave Moses a specific plan he could follow.

He stayed humble. He told Moses to do it only "if thou shalt do this thing, and God command thee so." He left the final decision where it belonged.

Nathan's approach adds one more thing: sometimes the best way to help someone see a hard truth is to help them see it for themselves. Nathan's story let David judge the situation clearly before he realized it was about him. It's often easier to accept a hard truth you've recognized yourself.

The other half of the verse is being willing to be sharpened. Proverbs has strong words for people who refuse:

And it describes the difference between people who grow and people who don't by how they respond to correction:

Moses is a model here too. He was the leader of the whole nation, and he could easily have brushed off his father-in-law's advice. Instead, he listened and "did all that he had said." David, when Nathan confronted him, didn't argue or make excuses. He admitted what he had done.

When someone gives you a hard truth, the first reaction is often to defend yourself. Try to notice that reaction and wait before you respond. Ask questions to understand what they see.

Thank them, even if it stings, because it took something for them to say it. Then decide for yourself what's true in it and what to do about it. And if you want people to keep sharpening you, make it safe for them to tell you the truth.